Letter to the Editor: Ms. Ennis

Dear editor:

My name is Mildred Ennis, and just the other day I caught my eldest son Eugene listening to the corrupting influences of rap music. Needless to say I was horrified. I just couldn’t figure out how this exposure could have happened! He attends a delightful Christian Academy and plays the oboe in his school’s wind ensemble. It wasn’t until yesterday, when I told our butler James to look through Eugene’s internet history, that I discovered your “Thug Fancy” site. After reading through all the content I became convinced that people like you, who glorify this despicable lifestyle, are responsible for the degeneration of traditional American family values. Let me make it quite clear that there is nothing “fancy” about the life of a thug. They are brutal, violent, low lives and I wouldn’t even be surprised to find out that they habitually smoke marijuana. There was once a young black boy who lived down the street from our servants’ quarters. He listened to rap music, and one time I suspect he broke into our house and stole our fine China dishware. The police said it was Eugene who sold it on eBay, but I know he wouldn’t do that. That young boy robbed us because of the rap he listened to. This is what rap does to our youth and I request that, for the good of society, you discontinue your “Thug Fancy” website magazine. If you do not comply, I will be forced to take serious action and report your website to the proper authorities.

Dear Mildred:

    I request that, for the good of society, you do something more productive with your time than whine. Perhaps you could use that time to actually be a mother instead of having your butler do it. As the great Slim Shady once said, “you should have been watching him, apparently you ain't parents.” In fact it's a brilliant idea. You use your time to uphold the one responsibility you have, mothering, and we'll use our time arm the world with knowledge of the “Thug Life.”

    You mentioned that rap contributes to and perpetuates the degeneration of traditional American values. The most traditional of the American values is the freedom of speech. You don't like our magazine? Good, stay away from it. You don't want your precious Eugene reading it? Fine, keep him away from it. But by trying to shut us down you are trying to shut down the values that make America the shining beacon of freedom throughout the world. Now you don't want that, do you?

    So why don't you stick to what you know how to do? Be a housewife; let us be the straight thugs. We have a publication to run and can't be wasting our with every sad story of a mother who can't even be bothered to pay attention to her own child. I wish your son luck in his ensuing “thugification.” Look it up here

Sincerely,

M.C. Rost and The Thug Fancy Team

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Letter to the Editor: Mr. Wayne

Ayo man. I be a'readin' this magazine and the prose be attractifing da ladies. Prose before hoes, nawwhatImean? I don't mean to grind your d*** or nothin' but I was thinkin', you know,  this magazine real good and 2pac real good. Maybe you and him get to togeather and you know, like interview each other. Tell him that if he don't do the interview, he get his ass whooped or something. Trust me, ass whoopins work. You don't even have to whoop ass, you just have to say you will. My baby momma was all like pounding at my door and shit and was a'hollerin' "your kids get they ass whooped." I was all like "ain't my kids, they'z Tyrone's. I told you that already."  Mos def, the loomin' ass whoopin' is probably the most fearsome tool in one's interrogative arsenal. I know this cuz that baby momma got some behaved kids. She beat the thug outta them. Raised them better than that, or something. Maybe you should do something on repressed thugnificence and how people trying to stop thugs from doing thuggery.  So, maybe when you interview 2pac, you can get his adivce on the subject, and the subject of parenting. 

Sincerely, 

B. Wayne

Gotham City

Just wait for our next issue. 

Also, you might want to check out the treatsies made by O.G Newton while you wait.

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Letter to the Editor: Rusty's Mom

    On a summer eve last week, I caught my eldest son, Rusty, listening to this god foresaken jungle music. The jungle boogy's pulses disrupted my evening in the delta. The sepia tones muted by the "rockin' bass overtones." My poor Rusty, he now occupies himself with schemes of procuring hoes and 40s. I long for a cure for my son, the son who dreamed of wranglin' cattle and serenading fair maidens in the moon light. Now, the only moon in his life is the moon shine that he procured in lieu of malt liquors. Your rap music made him steal his pappy's moon shine. This rap music is perverse in mind and body. I listened to Dr. Dre's "The Chronic" in its entirety. I was appalled. I think that Thug Fancy should write articles about more traditional things, pick up trucks for instance. If you continue to spew this filth, please include the disclaimer: Warning, Thug Fancy may contain material intended for unChristian audiences and Protestant reformers. 

Farewell, 

Rusty's Mom

Dear Rusty's Mom,

We appreciate your letter. We commend you for your convicitions. However, we propose that you take the hint from your holy book and exodus. Rap may be opposed to your personal blend of christianity. For that reason, we submit that, perhaps, the Bible, upon which you thump, be adhered to the same sticker, "may contain material intended for unChristian audiences and Protestant reformers." At the very least, we could accept responsibilty. You, responsible for your kid. Thug Fancy, responsible for keepin' it real. Protectorate of the realness, much like the nobleman, Sir-Mix-Alot.

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'Dising', you better believe it

Rap is a form of communication, like other forms of communication, it benefits greatly from rhetorical appeals. Rhetorical appeals make the message clearer, and they make the claim more persuasive. The rhetorical perspective should be used in rap more. Rhetoric has the greatest effect in a “dis” track. The most useful rhetorical device for a “dis” is Ethos. Ethos is the term given to all rhetoric that deals with character. Whether you’re calling someone a “villain,” or claiming that you’re an “OG.” Ethos is involved.

But what happens after you make a claim? Does the audience believe it and await the next claim? Or does the audience demand evidence? How discerning is your audience? Would your audience respond to "cranium accesories," or "a lot of s*** on your head"?

These are things you must consider when you give evidence to support your claims. You must consider the type of evidence that your audience will be receptive to. The depth and breadth of information must be considered.  Form. Audience. Purpose. These things must be considered during the message tailoring. What form will your audience respond to, "you're an unsavory character," or "thou art a villain." Audience is intrinsic to the rap. It's the difference between gangster and hip-hop.

Pathos and Logos have a place in rap. However, that place is the sort of location you refer to when you say, "it knows its place." I am dismissive of logos and pathos. You see, I think that they are bad. What place does logic and emotion have on the cold, hard streets? Logic just makes you shake your fist at the insurmountable walls in the bastion of poverty known as the hood. Displays of emotion warrant unwanted titles and disgrace your character.

So, when you're about to dis some people. Make sure that your claims are to be believed and your opponents haven't studied as much as you.

Keep safe.

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Ballad of a Fallen Soulja: The 2Pac Conspiracy

September 7th, 1996. It was the night of a Tyson fight in Las Vegas. The streets were busy with traffic, and the night life was just beginning. A cool breeze lay over the Vegas Strip.

At around 11:15 p.m, thirteen shots could be heard ringing through the crevices of the busy streets. These shots would change the course of hip hop music (and general thugness) forever. The intended target of this brutal assault was none other than Tupac Amaru Shakur, better known as 2Pac. While leaving the Mike Tyson fight, 2Pac was driving in a Mercedes along the Vegas Strip with Suge Knight (Founder of Death Row Records). Another vehicle pulled up along the right side of the car and promptly fired thirteen shots directly at the car.

Some viewed 2Pac as a menace to society, a low life gang banger, who lacked intellect and reason. Former Vice President Dan Quayle even said, “2Pac has no place in our society.” It would seem fitting that someone who represented such violence would lose his own life in such a similar fashion.

Although 2Pac’s lyrical content was often disturbing and graphic, he truly spoke with his heart. In doing so, 2pac unveiled the terrible living conditions present in society. Despite many critics, 2Pac was looked up to by many as a community leader. He represented the struggle of someone in the bottom of society. 2Pac was a true thug.

After struggling for 6 days in the hospital, Tupac was pronounced dead. The bullets heard in Las Vegas would come to be responsible for the death of one of the greatest hip hop artists of all time. Tupac Shakur was dead at the age of 25, and his killers were nowhere to be found. Today, the question still remains: Who killed 2Pac?

Many people speculate that 2Pac’s rival, Biggie Smalls (Notorious B.I.G.), was the true conspirator behind the murder. 2Pac and Biggie had been apart of a bitter feud between the East and West coast. The two famed rap artists had thrown menacing diss tracks at one another. Also, 2Pac had accused Biggie of “setting him up” in an earlier confrontation, in which 2Pac was shot 5 times. Unrevealed sources place Notorious B.I.G. as the true mastermind behind the attack. After 2Pac’s death, however, Biggie clearly stated his innocence in the case, claiming that he was in a recording studio in New York the night of the assault. One theory is that Christopher Wallace (Biggie) hired the street gang, The Crips, to carry out the murder. However, no official sources have come out attesting the legitimacy of the claim.

Another theory regarding 2Pacs murder is that Suge Knight set up his death. It seems unlikely that Suge Knight, the founder of Death Row Records, would want his star artist killed, especially while he rode next to him. However, Suge’s lack of cooperation with investigators, and the fact that 2Pac was due to leave Death Row Records, makes the theory all too possible. Suge Knight was truly a thug himself. He was a member of the Bloods gang and was known for his violent tactics when dealing with clients. By why kill 2Pac? 2Pac had just released his most successful album to date All Eyez On Me, on the Death Row Record label. However, it was believed that Pac was planning on leaving Death Row after fulfilling his agreement to record three albums*. With 2Pac planning to leave Death Row, he would immediately become a competitor with Suge. The details of the murder itself also bring forth questions about Suges innocence. All of the shots were fired from 2Pac’s side of the vehicle, directly at him. Suge Knight himself was only hit once, his injuries were only minor. He later claimed to have a bullet lodged in his head, but medical records show this to be a false statement. Knight’s refusal to work with investigators also sparks controversy. Today, little is known about Suge Knights involvement with the murder, however, his name remains on the suspect list.

The murder of 2Pac may never be solved. Many theories have arisen since 1996, but none have been proven to be accurate thusfar. Curiously, the Notorious B.I.G. was murdered in similar fashion about a year later. A proper conviction has yet to be made in either case. Whoever did kill 2Pac was unsuccessful in killing his legacy. Today, he is still a well known artist, and his impact is felt all across the world.

Tupac Shakur is a true thug, and even bullets can’t silence him.
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Eminem: Relapse

Eminem finally ended his musical break on May 19^th with the release of his new album Relapse.  The highly anticipated project has been in the works for the last few years, and the music industry has been buzzing in preparation for the release.

The multi platinum selling rapper has a lot to talk about on the new record.  Since 2005 Eminem has been removed from the hip hop industry.  Throughout this time, he became addicted to various sleeping pills. In August he found himself in a dire situation and thus checked himself into rehab for dependency to sleep medication.  Relapse came after 3 years of struggle with drug addiction and the death of Em’s best friend, Deshaun “Proof” Holton, who was killed in April of 2006 by gunshot wounds in a bar scuffle.

Relapse’s cover essentially sums up the state of mind that Eminem was in during the project.  It displays Eminem’s face made up of a range of colorful pills.  Clearly

pills, drugs, and alcohol will be a central theme to his lyrics.  The terms Nyquil, Ambien, and Valium are used more commonly than the f word throughout Relapse.

After listening through the Relapse, it is clear to see that it is a step away from Eminem’s previous 2004 album, Encore. The album takes a much more serious note than his last record.  Relapse is primarily an ode to Eminem’s recent drug problems, and emotional trouble regarding Proofs death.

Although it isn’t an album to “bump in the club”, Relapse is definitely an important album.  It will be looked back on as a classic piece of hip hop music.  The serious mood of the music and lyrics presents an album that is much more meaningful than most artists present today.

Relapse takes vulgarity and graphic nature to the next level.  In fact, Relapse is perhaps more violent and thematically perverse than Em’s Marshall Mathers L.P.  One song in particular, “Insane” evokes disturbing images of a scorned child hood.  Despite that graphic nature of the album, the lyrics are an outlet to Eminem, and they are truly presented the way that Eminem wanted it to be heard.

Relapse brings back the real slim shady; as vulgar, violent, volatile, and vile as ever: highly recommended to those who can stomach him.

5 out of 5

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Vernacular: How to speak like a gangster

The thug vernacular is the language of the streets. It’s the lifeblood, if you will, of the gansta’ lifestyle. The way we express ourselves is the way we think; it’s an intricate fusion of language and action, a practical synthesis of how language interacts with life.

In order to become a real thug, the prospective “thuggee” must be able to blend in and recognize the language intricacies of fellow thugs. Without the vernacular, our “Rosetta Stone”, the prospective thug would be cast into the oblivion of the ice-hard streets, unable to survive. We aim to remedy this crippling virus with the strongest antibodies we have: the knowledge of language. Read on, if you’re brave enough to travel along.

Up in Here - At this location

The roof is on fire - This party is so great that it could ignite this venue

I'ma bust a cap - I aim to improve my community

Throw Some Ds - Apply better wheel rims to this car

Phat - Very nice

Maaaaan - You, good sir, I am referring to you

Check out my kicks - Behold my new shoes! I think they look nice

Dis ice, yo - Please check out my jewelry

Representing - (1) I am a social peacock (2) I am a spokesperson of sorts

Grills - My jeweled braces; imagine how great my teeth will look when I get these off.

OG - honorific title, "Original Gangster." – The highest honor a thug can achieve

Public Enemy - Villain of the Public

That's how you know me - You must wait for my business card

Pimp cane - My medical apparatus that keeps me mobile

Caddy - Cadillac

Rolling/Cruising - Riding in my car

Holla (Man to Woman) - This is my sweet serenade, have I swooned you?

Get jiggy with it – To bust a move

Dr. Dre - A prominent practitioner of mixology

Get your freak on - Prepare for glory!

Gangster Rap - Proletariat anthem

I'm on a boat! - Behold! My yacht is pristine

Get rich or die trying - Grab wealth or die in the pursuit

Crew - Gangster solidarity

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Guide to being a Thug

Read on as Arpit Panda, senior correspondent for the Thug Fancy, goes through a step by step process of how to transform into a gangster. An expert on a variety of other subjects including aviary science, parapsychology, insects, the feminine mind, cooking and soccer, Panda is considered the foremost authority on gangsterology in the United States today.

The Basics

The first step is to have the right frame of mind; it is important to have the correct mentality. That leads to learning the language. When I refer to a gangster, I don’t mean a wielder of organized crime. I mean a young up and comer, one who has overcome incredible adversity and gone to the top of the proverbial heap. Essential to being this kind of gangster is to take on a new level of swagger. You can only truly call yourself a gangster when you have satisfied a few basic requirements. You speak as if you have a speech impediment. You speak in three word sentences. Contractions are used for every word possible. You have successfully incorporated a few key phrases such as “da hitla, ho’s, grills, I'm a gon'open a can of whoop'ass on y'all” For an exhaustive list, read the work by Tyler Carey. Once you have demonstrated a commitment to speaking the thug way, then you must take on the mantle of a gangster. You must move like a gangster. MTV is a good source or you can try to copy your favorite rap star. Copy his every move. As you take on this new persona, get yourself a thug name. The simplest thug name would be the first letter of your name attached with “dog.” The more creative gangsters usually adopt names that are permutations of words such as ice, money, vanilla, g, unit, cube (and a number of other geometrical figures), dog, cent, dollar and pain. Once you are equipped with a new name and demeanor, try to display an utter disregard for others’ property, authority figures and women. Now we move on to the clothes.

Intermediate Steps

You can’t be a gangster until you have found the right clothes. For beginners, Reebok and Addidas shoes are okay. But to the advanced gangster, only Nike is acceptable. Once you have found the right footwear, you must move on to the rest of your outfit. The best way to find the right fitting thug clothes are to find an extremely obese person at the local mall and use his waist size while buying jeans. While you are at it, buy t-shirts of his size as well. Ideal brands include Ecko Unlimited, G-United, Roca Wear, Timberland and countless others. No outfit is complete without the appropriate headgear. Doo rags are the best choice but you get to decide. Again, remember that shiny and bright Nikes are the recommended “kicks” for any aspiring gangster.

Advanced Protocol

If you have reached this point, you are no ordinary gangster wannabe. You have demonstrated a tremendous propensity to read by reading two whole paragraphs without throwing this magazine away. Having reached this high level, you must go beyond the material and transition into the spiritual. What does it really mean to be a gangster? What are the universal values upheld by others like you? One word describes these questions: respect. It’s all about the respect. Incidentally, that is precisely why a number of gangsters have shown an affinity for calculus since everything is done with respect to X and Y etc. Anyway, to further explore the beliefs and values of gangsters and thugs, one must peruse the volume of literature and rap music propagated by a philosopher and rapper known as Tupac Shakur. Tupac is a god among gangsters and his word is the final word on any matter. Although many feel that Tupac has died, Tupac is actually still alive and travels around the world preaching his sermons and indulging his interest in rock climbing. It is difficult to summarize the teachings of Tupac but any real gangster must use his teachings as a starting point.

That’s all for now; check out the next issue for more. Peace.
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May Puzzles

You've just pulled the break-in of the year but unfortunately the paranoid neighbor down the road called in the cops.  After disposing of the neighbor you're spotted by a squad car 60m away which quickly begins pursuit.

1) If the squad car accelerates at 5m/s^2 to a top speed of 30m/s and you run at 8m/s, how far can you run until the cop catches up to you?

Assume this is enough to get into an alley and evade the police for now.  But upon entering the alley you are surrounded by rival gang members on their motorcycles.  They form an equilateral triangle with side length 25m of which you are at the center.  Assume the bikes accelerate at 6m/s^2 and are limited by a top speed of 16m/s except one bike whose punctured tire limits it to 10m/s.

2)If they are always riding toward you, at which angle from the punctured bike should you run to make it the farthest before one of them catches up to you?

3)By the time you make it out of there, how many people will you have pop'd?

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