Read on as Arpit Panda, senior correspondent for the Thug Fancy, goes through a step by step process of how to transform into a gangster. An expert on a variety of other subjects including aviary science, parapsychology, insects, the feminine mind, cooking and soccer, Panda is considered the foremost authority on gangsterology in the
The Basics
The first step is to have the right frame of mind; it is important to have the correct mentality. That leads to learning the language. When I refer to a gangster, I don’t mean a wielder of organized crime. I mean a young up and comer, one who has overcome incredible adversity and gone to the top of the proverbial heap. Essential to being this kind of gangster is to take on a new level of swagger. You can only truly call yourself a gangster when you have satisfied a few basic requirements. You speak as if you have a speech impediment. You speak in three word sentences. Contractions are used for every word possible. You have successfully incorporated a few key phrases such as “da hitla, ho’s, grills, I'm a gon'open a can of whoop'ass on y'all” For an exhaustive list, read the work by Tyler Carey. Once you have demonstrated a commitment to speaking the thug way, then you must take on the mantle of a gangster. You must move like a gangster. MTV is a good source or you can try to copy your favorite rap star. Copy his every move. As you take on this new persona, get yourself a thug name. The simplest thug name would be the first letter of your name attached with “dog.” The more creative gangsters usually adopt names that are permutations of words such as ice, money, vanilla, g, unit, cube (and a number of other geometrical figures), dog, cent, dollar and pain. Once you are equipped with a new name and demeanor, try to display an utter disregard for others’ property, authority figures and women. Now we move on to the clothes.
Intermediate Steps
You can’t be a gangster until you have found the right clothes. For beginners, Reebok and Addidas shoes are okay. But to the advanced gangster, only Nike is acceptable. Once you have found the right footwear, you must move on to the rest of your outfit. The best way to find the right fitting thug clothes are to find an extremely obese person at the local mall and use his waist size while buying jeans. While you are at it, buy t-shirts of his size as well. Ideal brands include Ecko Unlimited, G-United, Roca Wear, Timberland and countless others. No outfit is complete without the appropriate headgear. Doo rags are the best choice but you get to decide. Again, remember that shiny and bright Nikes are the recommended “kicks” for any aspiring gangster.
Advanced Protocol
If you have reached this point, you are no ordinary gangster wannabe. You have demonstrated a tremendous propensity to read by reading two whole paragraphs without throwing this magazine away. Having reached this high level, you must go beyond the material and transition into the spiritual. What does it really mean to be a gangster? What are the universal values upheld by others like you? One word describes these questions: respect. It’s all about the respect. Incidentally, that is precisely why a number of gangsters have shown an affinity for calculus since everything is done with respect to X and Y etc. Anyway, to further explore the beliefs and values of gangsters and thugs, one must peruse the volume of literature and rap music propagated by a philosopher and rapper known as Tupac Shakur. Tupac is a god among gangsters and his word is the final word on any matter. Although many feel that Tupac has died, Tupac is actually still alive and travels around the world preaching his sermons and indulging his interest in rock climbing. It is difficult to summarize the teachings of Tupac but any real gangster must use his teachings as a starting point.
That’s all for now; check out the next issue for more. Peace.